As someone with an "invisible disability" sometimes it can be so hard. I look normal, I act normal and I'm intelligent, so why is it so hard for me to do things that everyone else can do easily? It can be hard and scary to explain especially in a work setting and even in a new social setting. I've always been told not to disclose this information at work so I don't, but I have shared that my processing is slower. This is not in an effort to make excuses but sometimes things don't go the way I want them to and then I feel as if I have to explain the reason why.
When I came back to Pennsylvania at the end of the summer, I was hopeful of the new path I was taking. It meant I could get the help my brain needed and get away from some parts of my life in North Carolina that had become toxic and unhealthy. It also meant being closer to family and friends that knew me and loved me with or without this strange new disability diagnosis. With all of that though came a new living situation, a new job and new dating and social situations.
Last weekend I attended the wedding of my brother's best friend from grade school or even before. It was a beautiful wedding and a great time but it also showed me just how different I truly am and how much the ACC probably has to do with that. My dad was also at this wedding and often would ask me "who is that" as we saw groomsmen or other wedding attendees. While I knew many of them, I often joked "Dad, Zac and I went to different high schools together." Of course we attended the same school but our experiences were so different. I often stayed home on a Friday night and hung out with my dog (a dog well worth spending time with), whereas my brother was hardly ever home, he was always out socializing.
While I know its not really worth it to think this way, I often wonder "what if" I had been born "normally"? Would I be like my brother and have a huge group of friends? Or would I still tend to prefer my small group of really close friends? Would I have been considered gifted in school like my brother? Or would I have struggled still like I did in middle and high school? What would have happened if my parents had known 30 years ago when I was in utero and I had gotten all the services I needed back then (which seems like it wouldn't have been much because I am pretty high functioning) would I be struggling at work the way I have been?
Okay...all those unproductive thoughts are out of my system now...on to better things. Now that I know about what my brain is up against I believe that knowledge is power. I am trying to be kind to myself and not get too down when things don't play out well. But on the flip side I am also trying to push myself to succeed. I've had some challenges at work as I mentioned yesterday. Classroom management has always been a struggle for me but I have been given the opportunity to have some extra support by admin and yesterday everything seemed to click. It was a great feeling and one that really boosted my self confidence.
Don't get me wrong, I've had a great life. Social awkwardness and lack of social life aside, I have been able to find some great friends both in North Carolina and in Pennsylvania. I have even had a long term romantic relationship and although it was kinda toxic at the end, it did show me that I am capable of this kind of relationship and now I'm just waiting for a new prince charming to sweep me off my feet. And although most parts of my life are "normal" I still have a hard time pushing myself to engage in new social settings. I have wanted to go to Meetup events in Philly to try and make friends but I have anxiety about going by myself so I don't go. But then this leaves me without weekend plans many times. Most of the time I don't mind because my work life teaching special education preschool is so exhausting that I don't mind my low key weekends but sometimes I feel like it would be nice to have more of a social life.
Alright, I'm not sure if this rambling is meant to amount to anything, just a little insight tonight. Things are starting to come together in my life but sometimes it still sucks to know that you aren't "normal" like everyone else.
Signing off for now,
Jamie
Saturday, October 19, 2019
Friday, October 18, 2019
Let Me Update You
Hello to all of my followers,
It will probably be impossible for me to detail all of the things that have happened between May and now but I will do my best to update you since it has been a long time since I made a post. In May my visit to the neuropsychologist was a total bust. The guy basically told me that my symptoms sounded like ADD and while I know that ACC can look like ADD in a way, I've been down that road before and the medication I tried had no significant impact on my ability to focus. So that was a major waste of time and money. Concurrently to this journey of ACC I was also facing other medical issues. Medical issues that took me to University of Pennsylvania Hospital, in the great city of Philadelphia, which I now call my home (more on that later). I spent the summer getting radiation treatment at Penn, living with a host family and going home on the weekends.
After my unsuccessful trip to the neuropsychologist in Raleigh it was recommended that I find a neuropsychologist through Penn, after all they were the ones who discovered the diagnosis. So I did, and she was amazing and thanks to her I am getting some support. Through a series of other crazy events unrelated to my ACC diagnosis I managed to find myself leaving North Carolina behind in August and moving back to Pennsylvania where my family and most of my closest friends are and starting my life over in Philadelphia. It has been a challenge and some of those challenges are related to the ACC diagnosis. Making friends has been hard, starting a new job has been hard and in some ways devastating as I faced similar challenges to before but, I have started having "cognitive rehab therapy" every other week for about 2 sessions now. We have been working on strategies for helping me stay organized and able to focus on a task through completion. I've only done about 2 sessions but I can see how much it is helping me and it just shows me even more how much early intervention is so important. If my parents and I knew then about my ACC I could have gotten more services from preschool and I'd already have the strategies I needed. Instead, I am learning them now which, at least I'm learning them and I do truly believe knowledge is power but sometimes I wish so badly that my journey wasn't like this and that I knew sooner.
While work has been a struggle I found myself today celebrating that I had the best day yet, our day had a flow like I was an old veteran teacher with no problem running the class. It was such a rush knowing that I had everything under control and I know that this will help me push myself to keep it going.
I have my whole life not let my struggles get me down, in school or in life if I set out to do something I did it. I went to college and not only did I graduate I was on the deans list several semesters and graduated with honors. This was not because I took the easy road, I busted my butt but even before I knew what it was called, I knew I had to work harder but when I wanted something, come hell or high water I did it! I will not let the ACC diagnosis stop me and today's great day in the classroom proved to me that I can do it and I want it so I'm determined that this is my year to make it happen! Now you are all caught up and I will try to remember to update this blog more! :-)
It will probably be impossible for me to detail all of the things that have happened between May and now but I will do my best to update you since it has been a long time since I made a post. In May my visit to the neuropsychologist was a total bust. The guy basically told me that my symptoms sounded like ADD and while I know that ACC can look like ADD in a way, I've been down that road before and the medication I tried had no significant impact on my ability to focus. So that was a major waste of time and money. Concurrently to this journey of ACC I was also facing other medical issues. Medical issues that took me to University of Pennsylvania Hospital, in the great city of Philadelphia, which I now call my home (more on that later). I spent the summer getting radiation treatment at Penn, living with a host family and going home on the weekends.
After my unsuccessful trip to the neuropsychologist in Raleigh it was recommended that I find a neuropsychologist through Penn, after all they were the ones who discovered the diagnosis. So I did, and she was amazing and thanks to her I am getting some support. Through a series of other crazy events unrelated to my ACC diagnosis I managed to find myself leaving North Carolina behind in August and moving back to Pennsylvania where my family and most of my closest friends are and starting my life over in Philadelphia. It has been a challenge and some of those challenges are related to the ACC diagnosis. Making friends has been hard, starting a new job has been hard and in some ways devastating as I faced similar challenges to before but, I have started having "cognitive rehab therapy" every other week for about 2 sessions now. We have been working on strategies for helping me stay organized and able to focus on a task through completion. I've only done about 2 sessions but I can see how much it is helping me and it just shows me even more how much early intervention is so important. If my parents and I knew then about my ACC I could have gotten more services from preschool and I'd already have the strategies I needed. Instead, I am learning them now which, at least I'm learning them and I do truly believe knowledge is power but sometimes I wish so badly that my journey wasn't like this and that I knew sooner.
While work has been a struggle I found myself today celebrating that I had the best day yet, our day had a flow like I was an old veteran teacher with no problem running the class. It was such a rush knowing that I had everything under control and I know that this will help me push myself to keep it going.
I have my whole life not let my struggles get me down, in school or in life if I set out to do something I did it. I went to college and not only did I graduate I was on the deans list several semesters and graduated with honors. This was not because I took the easy road, I busted my butt but even before I knew what it was called, I knew I had to work harder but when I wanted something, come hell or high water I did it! I will not let the ACC diagnosis stop me and today's great day in the classroom proved to me that I can do it and I want it so I'm determined that this is my year to make it happen! Now you are all caught up and I will try to remember to update this blog more! :-)
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