Some days are tough. I teach preschool to children who are severely on the Autism Spectrum. My job is a job of heart. My job is tough. Not having a corpus callosum makes my job harder. I forget things, I make mistakes, I get frustrated. And some days it feels like I can't do anything right. At All. Today was one of those days. Today was a day that made me ask myself why I do this, and how can I be better? And why do I struggle so often with the same things? And if my brain was "normal" would being a teacher come easier to me? Today I questioned everything about my career and my worth.
This is a battle I've experienced a lot. I can't be totally sure if this is an ACC problem or just a self-confidence problem or if they go hand in hand or what. For me I feel like they do at least as it relates to teaching. It's made even more difficult because it's not something I disclose at work so the frustration from team members inevitably happens and I can't really explain why I struggle so much (even if I disclosed the diagnosis I still can't accurately explain how I feel). I get overwhelmed, I get frustrated, and I shut down. Sometimes I just don't know how to react so I don't. But I know this doesn't help anything and things spin more out of control.
Some days I wonder if I should just go get a desk job, stop my grad school application and just be done trying to fight the battle. But then I think about the hundreds of children I could touch in my career if I stick it out and figure out how to make it work. I think about the families of the children I have right now and how grateful they have been to me for my kindness and compassion. I think about all the people who see my passion and tell me to keep going because of how passionate I am. I remind myself that we are always our own worst critic, and that this is a specific population that is a challenge to work with. AND THEN I think of the little boy whose voice we started hearing about 2 weeks ago. And I think about how I helped make that happen. Now that little boy is asking for all kinds of things, saying all kinds of things and his little voice is the sweetest. I think about that first day in the sensory room of our school when I heard his voice and how it made me want to cry. I think about all the parents who tell me "I just want him to talk" and how I can't promise anyone that this will happen, but then I think of this one child who did start to talk and I remember why I do this.
I missed a session with the cognitive rehab therapist because of a change in insurances (switching jobs and wait periods are a pain you know?) and I think in some ways those meetings help me boost my confidence. I'm getting strategies to help me cope with the many aspects of teaching. But I also have somewhere to just talk about how hard things can be some times. An outlet to speak openly about my ACC where I don't have to pretend. I'll go back next week and I'm hopeful that maybe we can talk about classroom management, a piece I've struggled with a lot and how I can help myself maintain my composure and regain control of the classroom.
Alright, I'm not sure if this is relatable to anyone. I really just had to vent a little bit!
Signing off!
Jamie
Wednesday, November 13, 2019
Monday, November 4, 2019
A Teacher's Saga
Have you ever seen those posts on Facebook about how a teacher's brain is like having 5,486 tabs open on a computer browser? It's actually not completely inaccurate. Most days that is how I feel. I think that is true of most teachers but I think for me its even more true because of my ACC. My brain feels like its working over drive to remember to do all the things that I need to get done in a day and also to remember to stop for that coffee creamer after work...and something inevitably gets missed...today it was the coffee creamer.
I have found though that the key to my memory success is writing it down. I have checklists for just about everything: what to do in the morning, what to do before I go home, what is expected for each little part of the day (there are a million things we cover at circle and I usually forget one of those things). And in doing this, this simple little thing, my life feels just a little easier. I can rest easier knowing that if I completely blank out I've got a list for it. But the more lists I've made, the more I've found....I'm forgetting less. It's so funny how the brain works.
It also amazes me that some of these strategies are the same ones I use with my kiddos on the autism spectrum. A co-worker friend pointed out that my lists are a visual schedule. We use pictures with our 3-5 year olds who clearly can't read but print is also a visual schedule. She sorta blew my mind when she reminded me of this. It puts my disability into a new perspective. I hate identifying myself as disabled because I feel totally normal. But it truly is a disability and overcoming my ACC can be just as hard but also just as rewarding as finding ways to cope with autism or down syndrome or anything else.
For me, I have a new perspective on working with children and families with disabilities as I walk through my own journey. Thankfully I have not let my ACC diagnosis (or the 28 years of being undiagnosed) stop me. I have pretty much accomplished any goal I set out to. From graduating high school and college to moving to North Carolina and becoming a teacher to now applying for grad school (I've not been accepted yet...but I know I won't rest until I am). I've always felt like these were things that meant a little more to me because I worked a little harder for it. My brother was considered gifted in school and academics came much easier to him but I always had to work my @$$ off. Then I graduated college with honors. And I'm not sure if it's clear enough to read but my parents totally got me a cake that said "With Honors". It was a big deal and something that did not come easily so we really celebrated it. My dad reminds me all the time that this perspective and ability to relate to these children and families can serve me to be a better teacher.
I have found though that the key to my memory success is writing it down. I have checklists for just about everything: what to do in the morning, what to do before I go home, what is expected for each little part of the day (there are a million things we cover at circle and I usually forget one of those things). And in doing this, this simple little thing, my life feels just a little easier. I can rest easier knowing that if I completely blank out I've got a list for it. But the more lists I've made, the more I've found....I'm forgetting less. It's so funny how the brain works.
It also amazes me that some of these strategies are the same ones I use with my kiddos on the autism spectrum. A co-worker friend pointed out that my lists are a visual schedule. We use pictures with our 3-5 year olds who clearly can't read but print is also a visual schedule. She sorta blew my mind when she reminded me of this. It puts my disability into a new perspective. I hate identifying myself as disabled because I feel totally normal. But it truly is a disability and overcoming my ACC can be just as hard but also just as rewarding as finding ways to cope with autism or down syndrome or anything else.
For me, I have a new perspective on working with children and families with disabilities as I walk through my own journey. Thankfully I have not let my ACC diagnosis (or the 28 years of being undiagnosed) stop me. I have pretty much accomplished any goal I set out to. From graduating high school and college to moving to North Carolina and becoming a teacher to now applying for grad school (I've not been accepted yet...but I know I won't rest until I am). I've always felt like these were things that meant a little more to me because I worked a little harder for it. My brother was considered gifted in school and academics came much easier to him but I always had to work my @$$ off. Then I graduated college with honors. And I'm not sure if it's clear enough to read but my parents totally got me a cake that said "With Honors". It was a big deal and something that did not come easily so we really celebrated it. My dad reminds me all the time that this perspective and ability to relate to these children and families can serve me to be a better teacher.
It's not always been easy and certainly my first several years of teaching were not easy and I didn't know why. I didn't understand why the one thing I wanted the most in my life just wasn't working out for me. I actually left teaching for several months but my heart told me to go back, and I made adjustments to enjoy it more. I'm confident that now with my ACC diagnosis and the assistance I'm getting I will be the teacher my 5 year old self knew I was meant to be.
The moral of the story is that you can be anything you set out to be. It doesn't matter what you're up against because we are all up against something. We all face challenges but in different ways. For us ACCers it can be hard to look at us and know that our brains just work differently and its not something that is necessary to disclose at work. But there are simple ways to help yourself without anyone thinking differently of you. The office in my classroom is now full of notes "AM checklist" "PM checklist" "checklist to do on in-service days" "remember to bring xyz thing for xyz child" and its only November, so who even knows what it will look like in June! The point is find a system that works for you and you can achieve all your dreams!
Signing off for now,
Jamie
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