The Toughest Days

Some days are tough. I teach preschool to children who are severely on the Autism Spectrum. My job is a job of heart. My job is tough. Not having a corpus callosum makes my job harder. I forget things, I make mistakes, I get frustrated. And some days it feels like I can't do anything right. At All. Today was one of those days. Today was a day that made me ask myself why I do this, and how can I be better? And why do I struggle so often with the same things? And if my brain was "normal" would being a teacher come easier to me? Today I questioned everything about my career and my worth.

This is a battle I've experienced a lot. I can't be totally sure if this is an ACC problem or just a self-confidence problem or if they go hand in hand or what. For me I feel like they do at least as it relates to teaching. It's made even more difficult because it's not something I disclose at work so the frustration from team members inevitably happens and I can't really explain why I struggle so much (even if I disclosed the diagnosis I still can't accurately explain how I feel). I get overwhelmed, I get frustrated, and I shut down. Sometimes I just don't know how to react so I don't. But I know this doesn't help anything and things spin more out of control.

Some days I wonder if I should just go get a desk job, stop my grad school application and just be done trying to fight the battle. But then I think about the hundreds of children I could touch in my career if I stick it out and figure out how to make it work. I think about the families of the children I have right now and how grateful they have been to me for my kindness and compassion. I think about all the people who see my passion and tell me to keep going because of how passionate I am. I remind myself that we are always our own worst critic, and that this is a specific population that is a challenge to work with. AND THEN I think of the little boy whose voice we started hearing about 2 weeks ago. And I think about how I helped make that happen. Now that little boy is asking for all kinds of things, saying all kinds of things and his little voice is the sweetest. I think about that first day in the sensory room of our school when I heard his voice and how it made me want to cry. I think about all the parents who tell me "I just want him to talk" and how I can't promise anyone that this will happen, but then I think of this one child who did start to talk and I remember why I do this.

I missed a session with the cognitive rehab therapist because of a change in insurances (switching jobs and wait periods are a pain you know?) and I think in some ways those meetings help me boost my confidence. I'm getting strategies to help me cope with the many aspects of teaching. But I also have somewhere to just talk about how hard things can be some times. An outlet to speak openly about my ACC where I don't have to pretend. I'll go back next week and I'm hopeful that maybe we can talk about classroom management, a piece I've struggled with a lot and how I can help myself maintain my composure and regain control of the classroom.

Alright, I'm not sure if this is relatable to anyone. I really just had to vent a little bit!

Signing off!
Jamie